Termination for Medical Reasons - Baby Mia

"I remember crying as we came close to the end of our journey, I was crouched in the shower and all I could think of was how much I wanted to keep you safe inside me. I remember being scared to let you go."

To my darling little Mia,

I’m grateful to have carried you for the past 23 and a bit weeks. The gentle reminders that you’re within my tummy brings a smile to my face. The joy your brothers took in learning about your growth each week and talking about things they would love to teach you. You would have had them wrapped around your finger. Alike with your Daddy, you're everything he wanted and more. My sweet Mia, you would have wanted for nothing with those three. The love you imprinted on our family will be your legacy. I’m grateful and comforted by the fact that your last moments are within my womb. The only place you have known, where you're safe, warm and never in pain. I’m sure you heard us speak of you and what we wished would be. I’m grateful we had this time with you.

We have since said our goodbyes and they were painfully fast. I dread going to bed sometimes because that was when you would kick and dance in my tummy and I miss it so much. I miss all the niggles of being pregnant with you. It seems silly now that I ever complained because I would go back and relive it all to make sure I remembered every detail of carrying you.

But as I lay here with warm tears falling down my cheeks and I think of how amazing your birth was. Your dad surpassed anything I could have dreamed of. Gosh you're one lucky girl. The way he encouraged me I can imagine him by your side during some of your milestones. The way he cared for me and stuck with me; I imagine you as a teen giving him a hard time, yet he still would persist forever offering you a hand. Even when I asked him to look as I birthed you, he did, baby girl you have an amazing dad. What I’d give to see you and him together in those moments. You are his twin. Besides the feet which you can thank me for everything else is your dad. The way your bottom lip sat, and your fair eye lashes are all your dad and it’s the sweetest gift ever.

I see you every time he looks at me or when he’s deep in thought because his brow deepens just like yours. I’m so grateful we got to birth you together just you me and your dad. I’m also grateful for the closeness you have allowed us to have. You gave us the opportunity to bond and love each other in a deeper way. There’s so much pain around this baby, but there is also a lot to be grateful for. We got to meet our beautiful daughter early and I got to pass on my middle name. I remember crying as we came close to the end of our journey, I was crouched in the shower and all I could think of was how much I wanted to keep you safe inside me. I remember being scared to let you go.

I thought if I left the hospital and ran away it would somehow pause our situation and I would get a little longer. The same in the hospital baby girl, I thought if I rushed my goodbyes, I would somehow lessen the blow - the lies you tell yourself.

Truth is baby girl; I could get an eternity with you and it still wouldn't be long enough. I would always want more.

Forever my baby girl

Love Always Mummy

Mia - born still 12.12.20