A letter to my former self when I was being faced with Termination for medical reasons.
If I could write a letter to myself after getting bad news at my anomaly scan facing into my TFMR here is what I would say:-
Oh poor Mama- none of this is your fault. This is truly unfair and unjust and you did not do anything to make this happen. Rid yourself of the guilt and shame. This is truly tragic.
Lean on people around you- this is happening to you and your baby, you are important, you matter. Don’t worry about upsetting your nearest and dearest by showing how broken you really are, it s ok to let them see how much you are hurting. You don’t have to be brave or strong right now
Ask for what you need – people around you want to help and show up. Be honest about what you need right now. You don’t need to take this on alone.
Be gentle with yourself - you are in the trenches now, go easy on yourself. Take the pyjama days watching whatever brings you comfort right now, get your favourite food in. Have a warm shower. Light a candle and focus on your breath. Talk to yourself like you would if this was your best friend going through this.
Put your phone away - Its ok to not reply to people or relay everything over and over again. Conserve your energy for what you need to face.
Its OK if you can’t listen to music right now- music is so emotive and amplifies how you are feeling. You will listen to music again.
Write down any questions that pop into your head- your mind is so busy right now, keep a notepad beside you and jot down any questions you have for the medical professionals you are going to come into contact with. Think of things you can control and how you would like them to be.
You are just as much of a Mama as the next person. You’re doing the hardest thing any mama will ever have to do.
It’s ok to laugh - if there is a moment of laughter take it with both hands, it doesn’t mean you are a bad person.
You are not alone - it feels like it right now but you will find your people.
Your feelings are valid- whether its anger, fear, feeling misunderstood, sad, numb or empty it’s all OK.
You’ll get through this- you are more resilient than you know. You will find it within you and you will get through. There are lighter days ahead.