How do we keep going when we are having our toughest days?
Updated: 3 days ago
Oh mama i am so sorry you are here and that you are having one of "those moments"..these moments can come at any time..for some it may be even before the termination itself, for others immediately after, and for others still days, weeks, months, and years down the line when the really really hard days may come. these days can occur for a number of reasons/triggers and sometimes they really seem to smack you in the face out of nowhere. it can be quite eye-opening to realize that life truly does continue on- even in the face of grief and even when we may feel our entire world has stopped. movement even at the most minuscule of paces is still movement. some times taking it day by day is too much, sometimes hour by hour feels too overwhelming, and sometimes moment by moment is really all you can manage to give- and that is ok. tough days within this space can be really freakin hard- and it can be difficult to know what to do or how to manage in these moments. firstly it is important to notice how bad do we feel- if there are thoughts of self-harm please please reach out for professional help as soon as possible.
It is not uncommon at all for tfmr mamas to have ptsd or postpartum depression symptoms and so to be able to recognize when these emotions require professional assistance is important for your overall health- you are loved and cherished mama please know this. it is also important to recognize when you need to talk to someone-anyone- when your *spike* inner voice is taking over. other tfmr mamas, close friends, and family, therapists, can all assist in helping to make that spiral a bit less overwhelming. Make sure they are a trusted space and someone you can really be your authentic self with at this moment- even if that authentic self is really ugly (that Is normal!)
We also have to acknowledge that sometimes talking is not enough or that we may not always be in the space to be able to talk. some days you may not have the energy or capacity to get out of bed and if that is something feasible to do for a short amount of time (not forever) then take a nap, have a cry, but also know we cannot live in this space, or sleep all day everyday.
What else can you do when it feels so heavy?
Rage writing is a good option. writing down your feelings or thoughts in your pure truth- everything you wish you could say but feel like you cannot..write it down..physically put it down on paper removing it from your innermost thoughts (that shit will eat you alive if you let it) and once you are done writing everything down that you need to..find a safe (keynote disclaimer here) space to burn it..burn that shit away and watch it burn. these thoughts and feelings while present do not make up your entirety (even if it may feel like that sometimes) and watching them burn to ash while you're still very much present can be really symbolic and meaningful.
Another option is merely getting some fresh air...not everyone is a walker/hiker/nature person and i can understand that but there is something really healing about being outside. Getting outside of your space- even if your space feels safe it also harbours a lot of feelings and emotions- and getting outside- into something bigger than yourself, with increased oxygen, increased sensory stimuli can be really helpful. try to pick a quiet place to go, if you don't want to walk then if weather permits sit. Research has shown that even if it is just a 2-minute thing or an hour thing helps increase one's mood.
What typically makes you happy? i know this may seem like a loaded question right now-and the answers may not be feasible (time-wise, financially, etc) but let's take a look at that list. is anything affordable with all constraints noted? can you take that yoga class? can you get that massage? can you call that friend? Can you go for a walk? can you make your favourite meal? can you have that night away? can you jam out to that 90's R+B? (no? just me?) what is in your healthy (yet another disclaimer) inner coping mechanism box that could potentially be accessed today?
It is so important to really truly comprehend that while this may feel like an extremely lonely and isolating moment you have an entire community of people who can commiserate with you. use us! often someone, somewhere, can understand even slightly how you are feeling and can offer validation. at times this may be all we really need especially on those really tough days.
On these days mama i want you to remember your baby/ies are so loved and cared for. i want you to remember that you took on this pain- so that your baby/ies would never have to feel anything but adoration, love, respect, and kindness. you did that for them. nothing reads more "being a mother" than doing whatever means necessary to take away any pain your child/children may have. i am so sorry this moment is so heavy for you. i promise you it won't last forever (even if it seems like it), but i also can promise you that these moments may come again at a later time. i just hope that you continuously remember-you can do this. i know you never wanted to have to be this strong, but you are- even if it feels like you didn't have much of a choice. sometimes you have to sit in the grief- the one that shows up to the party uninvited and unannounced- sit with it for a bit- and then kindly ask it to leave in whatever capacity fits for you.
We are all in this space together, in varying degrees, but we are in it with you. every minute lasts 60 seconds, every hour 60 minutes, and every day 24 hours- these happen no matter what. so give yourself grace, take the time and space you need, but always keep going mama.