In 2021, we got pregnant with our rainbow baby and were over the moon excited. Everything was going so well, I felt great, all my tests came back normal - then on our 18 week scan our world changed forever. They discovered our sweet girl had severe ventriculomegaly. We had absolutely no idea what that meant, what that even was…doctors were trying to explain but it was all just a blur. After second and third opinions and many tests more, her diagnosis got worse and we decided to make the gut wrenching decision to let her go and spare her from all the suffering and 'what ifs' that were a vision ahead of what her life would’ve looked like. In July of 2021, she went to Heaven. Our hearts were shattered into pieces, our souls were ripped out of us, and nothing made sense anymore. How could this happen? But we knew…shockingly, we were not the only ones to have had to make a “no choice choice.” Who were we to decide life? And so our healing begun.
Our grief has shaped us into the people we are today. In December 2022, we welcomed our beautiful daughter into this world and it was as if it was our little girl coming back to us. We saw her daily in our daughter’s spirit and personality. A few months ago, we decided to try for one more. A sibling for her to complete our long, and tiring pregnancy journey. We got pregnant and were so excited- until we received the results that our sweet little boy has trisomy 21. And so it began all over again. We said “no way, there is no way God would allow something like this again to happen to us…” and so we hoped the results would be wrong - but they were not. Our little boy, had Down Syndrome with structural heart anomalies. And so here we were again - a nightmare living all over again - we terminated our much wanted and long waited pregnancy at 14 weeks. How do we move from this? How does this happen twice? How do we explain this? But for our daughter, who will be 3 soon, we have to be strong.
We have to make it. Because she depends on us, on our love. We now have two memory boxes, three children in heaven and back to square one with our grief and our heartbreak. But we have to remind ourselves that life is beautiful- and grief can be beautiful - there is meaning in suffering - and there will be joy again. To all of you families out there - do not give up. Hang on to your grief and let it shape you Into the beautiful soul that you already are. Because one day, we will see them again. And they will understand what we did was out of pure unconditional love as a Mother to her Child. Sending lots of light and love to everyone. We are all going to be ok.
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