Elizabeth @buffence, shares her TFMR baby loss story with us through a series of powerful and moving poems.
A collection of poems born of the death of a baby
by Elizabeth Monaghan
I feel annoyed
Every time
I start crying
Again
It feels useless
So empty, futile
I'm not even always making tears —
What’s that about?
It used to be cathartic
Good to let it out
Now it does hardly anything
Hurts a bit more and keeps hurting
Doesn’t touch a wall
In this chamber of pain
Can't reach the dark depths
Of this grief
They say grief is love
All the love you’d yet to live
In which case
For us
It’s a lifetime
Like how long a day is
How many hours there are to fill
And meals to eat
Mornings just won't begin
And nights drag on and on until
Dawn light grows thin.
Keeping busy is better than just sitting
Just sitting is better than keeping busy
There are no good days
Nor bad
Every day is each
Every day ends in tears
Sense of achievement out of reach
Watching something moves the mind
For ten minutes at a time
Playing with our pets can rouse a smile.
But nothing
No single thing
Leaves the thought of him behind.
Not that I want it to
Sometimes I pick up my phone
Or close my eyes
And tap
Buttons
Memories
Until his face is in front of mine
A gain.
Opening the door to love
And pure white blinding pain.
Let it flood in
Lest he fade.
He must stay vivid in my brain.
Attempt to trick my mind
And body
To ease the gnawing ache
Fill the gaping hole
Colour the grey space
Where he belonged.
I try not to ask Why?
'Cause I’m logical right?
Discern between fact and fiction
Even amidst this darkest night
Between sleep and awakened vision
Because maybe nothing
Happens for a reason
Because maybe one day
I’ll forgive the universe
For making this
Be my truth.
I don't blame myself
I don't blame anyone else
I can't project my anger
Or my sorrow
Or my fear
Because I know better
So they sit here
In my chest
In my stomach
And my breasts
In my back and my legs
In my
Head.
Through the day
All the night
While I smile
While I cry
While I learn to turn
My mother heart
Inside out
While my beliefs
Flip back to front
But everlasting as
Easter Island heads
Unshifting values remain
Even
As
My
Whole
Being
Soaks in the awful sensation
Of being in this body
This summer
Without
Our baby.
This body.
How I love my body
How she astounds me
How much she knows about me
And I about her
How much we’ve been through
Never leaving each other
I know I can go inwards now
And always come back
The mantle of me is engraved with a map
Of how to pass time
To get where I’m going.
And now that I know
I’ll do it by knowing.
Thank you to Elizabeth for sharing through poem, I feel every written word, thank you for sharing this with us