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Time - TFMR, Termination for medical reasons

Elizabeth @buffence, shares her TFMR baby loss story with us through a series of powerful and moving poems.


A collection of poems born of the death of a baby

by Elizabeth Monaghan


I feel annoyed

Every time

I start crying

Again

It feels useless

So empty, futile

I'm not even always making tears —

What’s that about?

It used to be cathartic

Good to let it out

Now it does hardly anything

Hurts a bit more and keeps hurting

Doesn’t touch a wall

In this chamber of pain

Can't reach the dark depths

Of this grief

They say grief is love

All the love you’d yet to live

In which case

For us

It’s a lifetime

Like how long a day is

How many hours there are to fill

And meals to eat

Mornings just won't begin

And nights drag on and on until

Dawn light grows thin.


Keeping busy is better than just sitting

Just sitting is better than keeping busy

There are no good days

Nor bad

Every day is each

Every day ends in tears

Sense of achievement out of reach

Watching something moves the mind

For ten minutes at a time

Playing with our pets can rouse a smile.


But nothing


No single thing


Leaves the thought of him behind.


Not that I want it to

Sometimes I pick up my phone

Or close my eyes

And tap

Buttons

Memories

Until his face is in front of mine

A gain.


Opening the door to love

And pure white blinding pain.


Let it flood in

Lest he fade.


He must stay vivid in my brain.


Attempt to trick my mind

And body

To ease the gnawing ache

Fill the gaping hole

Colour the grey space

Where he belonged.


I try not to ask Why?

'Cause I’m logical right?

Discern between fact and fiction

Even amidst this darkest night

Between sleep and awakened vision

Because maybe nothing

Happens for a reason

Because maybe one day

I’ll forgive the universe

For making this

Be my truth.


I don't blame myself

I don't blame anyone else

I can't project my anger

Or my sorrow

Or my fear

Because I know better

So they sit here


In my chest

In my stomach

And my breasts

In my back and my legs

In my

Head.


Through the day

All the night

While I smile

While I cry

While I learn to turn

My mother heart

Inside out

While my beliefs

Flip back to front

But everlasting as

Easter Island heads

Unshifting values remain

Even

As

My

Whole

Being

Soaks in the awful sensation

Of being in this body

This summer

Without

Our baby.


This body.


How I love my body

How she astounds me

How much she knows about me

And I about her

How much we’ve been through

Never leaving each other

I know I can go inwards now

And always come back

The mantle of me is engraved with a map

Of how to pass time

To get where I’m going.


And now that I know


I’ll do it by knowing.


Thank you to Elizabeth for sharing through poem, I feel every written word, thank you for sharing this with us